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The Coronalogues
The Coronalogues

Season 2, Episode 4 · 2 months ago

Catching Breath

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

A woman trapped in a toxic relationship is driven to extreme measures. 

1 City, 1 Year On, 5 More Stories.

A restauranteur contemplates losing her career, a conspiracy theorist uncovers a strange plot, a young girl writes to a TV judge, a woman attempts a daring escape from a marriage and the City of Edinburgh finally addresses her own.

A second series of interconnected tales from a time like no other…

For The Coronalogues

“…a warm heated portrait of ordinary humanity…” The Scotsman.

“McAllister depicts contemporary urban life with flair and a witty sense of humour steeped in realism” The UpComing

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...o The consecon we cater for catchingbreath. I think I've murdered M S, but okay, maybe not technically murder. Imean he is dad, but it might not be barter. Perhaps I been the other onemanslaughter that sounds were somehow doesn't it I man slaughtered my husbandthat sounds more vile and more macy like I used to saw or something andanyway I think that man's thought is when he actually didn't intend to killsomeone, and I did I definitely intended to do it whether it was amurder nor I killed him and I plan to do it, I'm a just surprise. It worked. I got married because I was flatteredthat someone eventually asked me thirty seven years old and he was my firstserious relationship. I was spakin to think it would never happen. My parentswere twenty. When they got married, they still are married. Not Happily, Idon't think that they've ever been happy. I'm really not sure they evenaspired to be happy, but they're married all the same, and neither oneof them has the imagination nor inclination to nought be. What I'msaying is my expectations of marriage, weren't high and just wanted to behappy UN happines suit some people. I thinkthe idea of being in a state of happiness terrifies him, because thenthey have to acknowledge they might have time to spend not being it. I knowsomething about that feels to actively avoid being happy, becauseyou are afreed that would somehow undermine you make a morkery of allyour life choices to day. So you weigh your Messorie. We getentame to it as though, as evidence of something to be admired. He was like that not at first, I don't think he was evenkind once I think he must have been before we got marriedwhen I was something to be gained and not something he had its pent so long.Also, it's difficult to remamber the good things about a person afterthey've damaged you so much even when you know they must have had somethingof goodness about them. Otherwise, why was I ever attracted him in the firstplace? The only other explanation I could think of is that I was leanlybloody chipped,...

...because I know I wasn't bad. I wasn'tattracted to bad man. People would tell you, I don't have a bad born in my body. Recent events aside, obviously, even then- and this is a thing you see-I don't feel bad even now. Quite the opposite fact that s awful. Doesn't it it's not likethat? It's not like it sounds. I was saying, wasn't I oh, he waseither good at some point. The A subsequent Mesery is blocked out or are the only other explanation. Iwas a that is mud. I don't know which is the worst true to live with, to behonest, that you snuffed all the goodness out of someone like some kindof needy demander or that you spent half your life and utter misery,because you've got the emotional intelligence of a dinner plate either way, it's not loving your bestlife as a it's really, not instagram. He never hit me. I should also say thatsometimes I wished he had, because maybe something might have happenedthen, if he had might have given me the courage to leave him. Sometimes I thinkI'd have preferred the immediacy of violence and the dreat R torture ofmisogonus, mind games and I'm I'm not trying to minimizephysical abuse in anyway. Please don't hear that. I don't want to compare myexperience against anyone else's. What I mean is the thing I hate the mostlooking back as the length of time. I allowed myself to believe that this iswhat I deserved. What was surprising was the immediacyby which things changed after we got married, it was literally on the firstday of our honeymoon. We went to a kind of large thing on the side of a lockI'd organized it paid for it. It was like one of those holiday home timeshare things and we're only gone for a few nights anyway, when I told himabout it, he seemed surprised by the very concept of a honeymoon seems likea lot of bother. He said I hilariously was all looking forward to it. I was soexcited our first time away together. I thought it would be romantic. Sexyintimate so we get there. He walks and discovers a police doesn't have a TVstarch shout and screaming. How are we supposed to stay in a place where no TV,what we supposed to do? I say baffled and heart. I've book US Horse Rides andlessons to morrow, and he gives me this look a look ofpure hatred and resentment. He walks back to the car get in and set insilent, I'm just baffled. It's our Holly Moon, a train, speed to amy canpolitely ignores me. Doesn't even look at me. Eventually, I put the suit casesback in the car nd we drive home. He doesn't utter a word not just on thejourney back. He doesn't utter another word to me for two whole days: That'show my marriage began just like that, and that was a high point, our fifthwading anniversary. I obviously hadn't learnt a thing by this point. I put atable at a post restaurant again. He...

...acted like this was some act ofextravagant indulgence. I caught my hair dun, but a new dress face full ofslap. He turns up straight from work in a paint spotted added as tracks. U, oh.I wish I was Jokin, but no way it gets worse. We get served the starter. Hetakes one mitful and spits it back out on to the place, gets up and walks. So I'm not here, for you sometim, not surethat Surat. Certainly I don't want to Macanese the things I about myself toput up with I cantoon cowardice. I know I should,but I can know your sympathy won't make me feel any better. If anything allcompose it. I've not come to you with an amused Toni. This is a confession ofsorts, not that I'm looking for salvation either more recognition. Iwant the cater. In fact this is a reckoning, a revengestory. This is more kill bill than Angela's ashes. Please bear that mind, I'm done being the FICTIM, so don't seeme as one please try and do that for me, but for context. I need you tounderstand the level of evil bastard ness for dealing with here. So in noparticular order, his a top five of the worst of his behavior that I can bringmyself to met to from the last fourteen years, they're not in any object and aswear, I'm not making any of this up. Okay at number, five, an old favorite,he systematically cut me off from all my family and my friends I mean it's soclashy, but I'll. Let him do that. I mean it's the first play in the abuses,hand book it's so obvious. When my mother died, he ve refused tocome to the CEMETERIO and tried to prevent me from going to. It was one ofthe few times I completely disobeyed him. Then he shows up at the week. Doesn'the drunk, of course, angry? At one point he was dancing on top of thetable. Sagging Ding Dong. The Sea Word is DAD number four. He killed the neighbor'scat, not even my cat, the neighbor's cat. I wasn't allowed to pit ever thatwas very firmly established in our first year of marriage along with whywe would never be having kids. Could you imagine what type of mother I wouldbe? I couldn't be a mother, I mean look at me. I might make sense for my salary to bepaid into the joint account, but not his he's. The man of the House, that'swhat I signed up for that was in the legal contract of marriage was I trying to see. I didn't trust him,because if that was what I was saying, I knew where the effing door, boss,pets were simply moving ship machines for people who were either mentallydeficient or morally questionable. Then we got new neighbors and theircats are co liking to me and used to come and visit me in the evenings Ibought treats for it. It would stave for a couple of hours, curled up on mylap, purring away and then eventually yawn and trot off home. He never knewabout it for a while, because he'd sit in the front room watching the onlytailor that was allowed in the house, where I stayed in the kitchensupposedly tidying up, but really just avoiding him. He never came into the kitchen unlessit was to pass out the back door into the garden when he was too drunk I andbe bothered climbing the steps, the toilet. He also did it because he knewI hated it anyway. Inevitably he caught me one night with a cat. I was sittingthere just draking him under the Chin. He loved that and he was making thenoise as you make when you pat a cat.

Oh you'll, love that you're such a goodpussy cat. What a good Kettin or I looked up, and he was there motionless standing in the doorway justlooking at me. I've no idea how all ye been there, so a jump, I'm ready forthe shout and an Efen and the seeing to start, but he he just doesn't see anything hewalks past me opens the back door pesses mostly on the kitchen floor,then, what's back into the living room and for a second, I allow myself tothink he's allying me this he's allowing me this little bit of love andlight in my life. Then the cat doesn't come back and theneighbors come round to day late and ask me if I've seen their cat and tellme how the six, your daughters Dave stated and won't stop crying and haveto look them in the I and see I've, no idea what happened to their piquetteand I hope he comes back soon, when of course, I have a pretty good idea. Whathappened to her cat, I kept telling myself it was acoincidence, but I knew then he done something and a week goes by andsomething happens. That leaves not a doubt in my mind that he wasresponsible. He was mad shouting at me. I can't remember what forward and we'dreach a point in the routine where he reminds me where the tin door es and myline was I'll, go then I'll just go, then his line is either to Weir. You'vegot no money. Where you going to go your fat cow or option to gone, then afact I'll help you pack before storming upstairs and throwing what few belongs.He allows me to have enter the hall or out the windows till I eventually breakdown kying and he calls me pitiful, which to be fair, I am, and then hegoes back to the tail or out to the pub and I'm with to put my broken thingsaway again. We acted at this drama to three times a week, most weekends. Wedid matinee performances, so I was surprised when he deviated from thescript I delivered my mine impeccably, maybe I'll go then I'll just go and hestopped dead and the smile of fells across his face like one of thosealiens from aliens on fellows office ceiling- and I see this terrible darktwinkle in his eye- and I know whatever it's going to be next- is going to behorrible, but he says: Follay deliberately has tons slipping overevery syllable, but won't you messer. We Pussy can and a number three he banned me fromsinging, not just singing in his e short singing film stop and it's notlike a was belting out Cariori numbers. Occasionally I would wear head thosaround the house and occasionally I would get caught up in the music andunconsciously sing along, and he told me I was embarrassing myself that I hadruined his favorite songs, which I find surprising. I didn't know we knew anysongs other than sectarian pipal chance. He said, and I quote, if you have anylove or Respek for the medium of music at all, you should never sing again number two. He forbid me from watchingCoordination Street. No, as I've already said, he had full control ofthe one T v in the house, but I discovered I could watch some stuffthrough APPS on my phone. It took a while for him to catch onthat. I could do this and a while more to care the point that he did was whenhe became aware of a story line featuring a character who behaved inmuch the same way as he did one day. He came in from where I and ask me if I'vebeen watching it as it turned out, I had. I was never a carryvan but hadread about the story line in a magazine and and had deliberately tuned inanyway. He was more angry than he'd been in some time, but when he realized,I knew exactly what he was talking...

...about said. It was giving me ideas that youdidn't want Arrow marriage to be poisoned with such felt. He actuallysaid that before I reveal number one- and Ishould say number one is my personal favorite for reasons that will comeovous. I should address the fact that I know what you're all thinking it's thesame question. Why did you put up with this? I only answer is look around how manyhappy people do you know M. I mean truly happy. None of us know what we're doing whatit's all for, especially now with the N. I find myself constantly shorted at thedegree of Mesore. The human spirit can become accustomed to. This was mynormal. I didn't know anything else. I didn't know an Atura reality to wishmore to hope, for he was writing. Where was I going to go for discus? I did not be him all thetime. I abate him when I happened to an I didit for an easy in life. No, because I feared to didn't actually fear him. Itwas a twenty two store smoker with us. If it came to it, I reckon I could havetaken hemp. I could have certainly run away. I never feared him physically. I feared to walk. I would be with overhim, and now that says I see, but it's true, that's how long my opinion ofmyself was. I let myself come to think that I was better with him than withyou. Still I allowed myself moments ofdelicious revealing. I continue to sing into my brain eyes. I diligently watch coronation stream andmy lunch or ive had to. I went out of my way to be an extranice to all possible carts. One afternoon a week. I've go to theMonkey Cafe in time for ag and I short cat, O er Spain. These moments of pleasure were myreport to myself, Wot, injuring him, and I relish them. They made everythingbetiful, but then came is number one. Myfavorite, because this is where the seeds were son, for what was to come.His numeral UNO, evil bastard P S to resistance. He became a trump supporter purely toannoy me now. My husband was stupid likeenormously thick. It gives me no pleasure to admit that, because itmakes me all the more pathetic. This is a man who wants nearly burned on ahouse because he tempted to reheat a pizza in the oven that was still in thecardboard box, a man who somehow quitted reading books were beinghomosexual. He had no interest in politics, none whatsoever. Until theday I openly proclaimed my dislike for trump. I regretted at the moment itcame at my mouth I'd long since thou not to express any emotion aboutanything. It only gave him opportunities. He done something trump.I mean I can't even remember what, but it was something shocking, and this wasbefore he was even elected. It was on the news or Redon. I happened to mutterunder my breath. I just can't stand that horrible man, and that was that heand that moment became a trump supporter and he battered me over thehead with that blotted orange stump for the next five years. He startedwatching the news. He never watched the...

...news, but he started insisting Iwatched with him just so. I could hear his remarks about how trump was avisionary and that the best president, America d ever seen parishing the samedelusional hogwash. That trump himself was coming out with. He ordered a Magahat off the Internet. Make America great again he's never been out of thecountry every evening. He would come home from work. Take off his jacket,put on his Magarha and sit in front of the taily and at some point his fakedinterest in this prepulse ive being became a true and fatuation, notbecause he agreed or even understood his politics, but because trump beingtramped, somehow validated heads behavior. The very fact that the mostpowerful man in the world could act like that and see those things, givehim permission to act like that and say those things. I firmly believe thatcrump would have liked my husband, I don't say that lightly. That is aterrible thing to say about anybody. His Fun Natica support for trump becameanother weapon in his campaign and misery against me. But after a while Ibecame repetitive and boring just like all the others I venture just noddedalong when he went on one of his tramp brands. I would not allow him thepleasure of knowing how much his malignant hero worship got under myskin, but he knew I'm sure he knew and then no a No, where King Corvette,I was terrified not of the disease of the log done it. sumthing happened that we were bothfor on the same day with her any morning. The only way my wife was atall bearable was being able to escape to my work being able to have my freelunch times to do what I wanted to be was I have my precious twenty minutes.Walk to and from where I gave D, I like a cat with all of it. If and only if Iwas allowed. My brief escapes the idea of being walked in a housewith him for the unknown amount of times no torment. I can tolerate. I remember just crying uncontrollablywhen the nate I I went into our back yard in the stank of his person. Iscreamed in the sky. I could just be far. This was beyond what I could bear, whatanyone could be expected to be er and occurred to me right there for thefirst time it hit me like a walk today. It no one knew nor cared about home. Offor my fall, I dazzle that my life was. I was nothing no one. I couldn't evenbring myself to hope any more, those first few weeks of Lockton, butamong the worst of my life. He unsurprisingly, was livid at thesituation. He didn't take well to being told what to do the best of times, butnow that his life was being dictated to by a fake virus draped up by liberalswho were trying to bring back socialism, he had no idea what socialism was. Hewas incandescent with a scarlet rage that was furious even by his ownstandards. In his own words, not enough sea words had died for this to beallowed to happen and as the numbers of victims steadily grew, saw to theamount of times a day. He would repeat this: it became his mancher. He saw thewhole global pandemic is a personal vendetta designed to inconvenience himand he banned me from complying in any way with the restrictions. This, ofcourse, was pointless. I've been effectively socially isolating for thebest part of fourteen years. It's not...

...like adoptions for the first time, and I don't knowhow long he volunteered to do the weekly shop, nor of kindness or evenboredom, but for the sole purpose of provoking a screaming argument with anyone who dared to challenge his democratic rights to not sanitize hishands, not wear a face, mask or try and keep his distance. He went to Anti MassValleys in Holyrood Park. He protested out, say the Scottish parliament protesting against a pandemic. I toldyou he was stripped, but his anger became beggar, exhaustingly,unrelenting Alta every day when no end inside I punched into a depression. I fellfurther than I'd ever done before smothered myself in a wet cool tale ofmelancholy, and it was there right and the midst of thatwretchedness that a terrible but genuine thought ran through my head. Iwould rather can't call it that go through a long time. I wanted to entertain me honestly,couldn't imagine it would be any worse in the agony is already in fight. Itwould be a release and I held that awful terrible thought for a second andthe very forefront. To my mind, as something happened, I watched it transformed right in frontof me. I saw it more into an idea and then it paused for a second or win and then and she and mutated one moreand suddenly just like now. For the first time in fourteen years I had apin, I'm not seeing it was a good plan, itis a terrible plan. I see that now I had nothing to lose. You see and I hadeverything to gain. I was so a Besma unhappy that this seemed like therational thing to do, and I make no apologies for it. I mean it worked In't.I my plan was to agree with him. Agree ofeverything not just agree enthusiastically contribute become therobin to his Batman, the Sancho Pasa to his Don Quixote, and we would go onthis delusional crusie together and take on the windmills of science andreason, armed with only the Speir of lunatic theories and the shields ofblotted self entitlement, and we were going to lose a cracy not just loose. I was going to makesure he caught caved. Even it meant catching it too, and I was going tosurvive and his morbidly or be smoke redded asmatic approaching sixty arewigan. That was my plan. I told you it wasterrible. There were two things I was notprepared for. The first was how much I would inever ently, please him. I didit one evening after I served him his favorite dinner. I was wondering Ithought, maybe I might come with you to morrow to your protest. What's broughtthis on, if your board, this housework and needing doing that bathrooms areethan step, it wasn't because I'm bored it doesn'tmatter, you don't want me to come a walk. Come it's fine where you ought tocome. To be honest, I think you might be re. I've been listening to you, thethings you've been telling me and they started to make sense and this lockedon it's so ridiculous. I get it. You know. I think it might be very, andit's obviously important to you and I want to support you. I admire you forstanding up for what you believe,...

...but if you don't want me to, then Iwon't get any way. No, no. He says and that's Scaly smart uncurled, I'm gladI'm finally getting through to right then well tonight you can make us someplackards and I did it a fantastic job to one carbo box and a snap broomhandle later. I was always good at claps, a Google Damages Franti mass protestsand copy down a few of their slogans on the first sign I painted fear as acurrency of control, and I drew the figure from that pain saying you knowthe scream, but I put a face mask on him. On the other side, it all it's nota pandemic. It's a plan, amic and beg angry script, then, on the slightestsmaller one I just painted hawks and made it look like it's written in bloodand on the other side, Hashtag unmask the truth. When he came down in the themorning he looked like it was Christmas. That's not even a joke. He'd never beenas pleased as anything I've done over the entire course of our relationshipas he was with those blackhearts. It almost caused me to doubt the plan wasthis: All it took to make our marriage work me to show him a little support.Was this me getting it all wrong, and then I looked at the way he was lookingat me. He wasn't happy because I was supporting him. He was happy of hishandiwork. He was happy because he saw my conversion as affirmation of hisauthority. I was now completely compliant and product of his poisoning.He was happy because he had managed to pull me down to his mucky filthy level.That's why he was so delighted. I was his sacrificial offering to the LordGod crump we went to that protest. They are aboutthirty or so others. All of them clearly had issues all of them angry.Of course our packards got a lot of attention which utterly thrilled him.The gloating self importance, steamed off him a reporter for the evening newseven took our picture. I managed to hide most of my face behind the placardhe stood de grating like an idea, one hand holding the signal of Lichas Sword,the other inexplicably in a black panther salute. Did it not just makethe paper? Oh, I was mortified. He was over the moon. It was as close to happyas I've ever seen him. He bought all the copies at the convenience store,even P, for carry out for both of us. That was the first I mean he chose whatI had, but still he puts so far to on facebook. He makes it a screen saver onhis phone. Then he gets a pone call from one of those idiots asking him tospeak at the next rally, my God, I thought the man was going to dance.Thankfully, he never attained to such a feat. The second thing I wasn't prepared forwas how difficult it was to actually catch corvet. I it's like my husband,seemed largely few and far between most people were scared, complying, anxiousand grateful grateful to the NHS grateful to others who gave them spaceto pass in the street, grateful to shop ones for staying open. The vastmajority of people were trying to do the right thing. More than that, Iwould say the vast majority people saw the need to be visibly better than theymight have been to be extra courteous to be more aware of the needs of thepeople around them. I desperately wanted to be one of them, despitetaking extraordinary risks flaunting all the rules, neither he nor I can'tcall red throughout the summer we got into August, and I was beginning tothink it wasn't going to happen. It occurred to me that I may haveunwittingly made my life worse. What we both survive this and everything justreturned to normal. I would be stuck in...

...this rule for ever winter was coming.The numbers started to go up. The restriction start coming back down inhis mood darkened. He became less jubilantly defiant more better andCorti and when the pubs close again utterly impossible to live with, therallies had tailed off trump cock couvade, which threw him because upuntil that point, he was insisting coverd wasn't even real. He wasstruggling toward on to a consistent narrative now, whatever pleasure he hadtaken at my show of support had long since dissipated and I was back tobeing the emotional punch bag, Arab performances resumed with intensity. Irealized. If I was going to survive, I had to go the house. I had to do something so I volunteeredto deliver meals. I told him. I was just taking long walks to see thealtars on Arthur's seat, but for two or three hours a day I helped take ReddyCook, meals and shopping to the elderly and vomere. If I heard a some one whohad caught the virus, I would note that addes and make a point of visiting. Iwould take some essential train to the house and see I was responding as partof the charity. I would touch everything I could in their gardens orthe courses to the flat. Sometimes they would open their doors and I wouldstand as near as they would let me and breathe deeply. I went as far as to cutone of the STRAPS on my compulsory face mass so that it would keep slipping off.That's how desperate I was two weeks ago pass three weeks, then, in inOctober the numbers keep getting higher people losing the little hope they hadfor a normal Christmas than November and as the winter begins, to becomecold and bretor sort as a general mood, everyone seems spiky and fragile onedge and I'm losing hope. I feel I feel myself disappearing unto the weight ofhim. I start to have intrusive thoughts, horrible thoughts that I don't want totalk about and then boom. One morning I wake up with a temperature and feelingabsolutely terrible. I couldn't have been happier I immediately booked atest got a spot that day within twenty four hours it was confirmed a Liloa Iwas infected. I really enjoyed the confusion on his face. When I told himassured him the printed taste resort, he still refused to believe it. He wascaught in his own chap. I could see he was furious and also for the first timeever scared. Yet his useless pride would not allow himself to concede thatthere was any need to teak precautions. He couldn't back down. He would notallow himself to in any way acknowledge that he was at risk. After all, it'sonly lusos of corvet the week. Those who are on their way out anyway tramphad Gott it and survey no problem. It was just a bad cold. It was not just a bad called. It washorrible for about four or five days. I was really sick. I only just managed toreserve what little energy I had to emerge from my room at night and ensureall the surfaces in the house were courted and carved. I breathed on andtouched everything, including him as he slept he didn't come near me. Neveronce came up the stairs to see how I was or ask. If I needed anything, Icould hear him through the floor. Piecing muttering to himself. Sometimesshouting sometimes throwing open the back door to pass into the garden. Then,on the fourth day when I was started to feel martiny better, I heard him coughnot as usual smoke as cough another type of cough that I hadn't heard himcough before and at the rill ran down the back of my spine. Two days later,I'm folding the ambulance. He is...

...struggling to breathe. I feel like Imight just be starting. He transferred to icy you the day afterhe's there for a week. I don't physic count. Is it not allowed, and I haveother things to do now anyway, on the ty, the nurse farms me, she says thingsdidn't look good and did I want to have a video call with him? It would be rootto de Kine. Anyway, I wanted to see him. I was shocked when I did. He was almosttransparently Pale. His eyes, bloodshot and half caused, I could see, wasexhausted. He was collapsed in a bed like some gigantic jelly, fish, tedscooped off a beach. He had an oxygen mask on and when he tries to talk it'sjust incomprehensible. RASPING NOISES: I can't hear what you see in Dalen saythat again, oh I'm feeling much better. Thank you.You will too, I'm sure Chen up now trump survived, didn't he it's justlike a bad cold down and this and that what you said and I can see theimpotent region his eyes, his pointless, powerless anger and he's trying toshout, but all he can do as gasp for ear. Don't get excited. Listen. I don't want anything to happento you. You need to get better okay, sweety because you know, and then Ipause and I allow a smile to and fro across my face and I'm sure he sees thedark glint in my eyes as I pick up myles my new kitten and hauled him up to thecamera and I say slowly deliberate way, my tongue wepping over every syllable.Wouldn't you miss your new re, pussy cat and his eyes narrow. He starts tocough and splutter machines in the background began to beat faster andlouder. I can hear people coming into the room and then the tablet falls tothe ground and for a few seconds all I can see is the ceiling before a nurseappears on the screen and explains they have to go right now and, as the screengoes by, my world opens up Alex. I see to my new integrated TV at SpeakerSystem Way from by Katy Patty, and I sing my ething heart out. Catching rat was performed very s. It was written by her mcat. The musicwas composed by Dave mark special thanks, Cote Seana McDonald, ChristerMcDonald, Scott Edinburgh, theater kitty and can cordon and all I go, the corona logs. The second wave is awatchless space production and partnership with Gilded Balloon. Thishas been a difficult time for the ears. None of the contributors have receivedany payment. If you have enjoyed this episode and we lit to de Nat, thendetails can be fand in the audio description. Alternatively, youcondimnate by visiting watch this space productions, don't call or Gilded Belindock alternations will be split equally amongst the contributors to.

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