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The Coronalogues
The Coronalogues

Season 2, Episode 2 · 5 months ago

Smoke & Otters

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

A conspiracy theorist uncovers a plot in his own backyard. 

1 City, 1 Year On, 5 More Stories.

A restauranteur contemplates losing her career, a conspiracy theorist uncovers a strange plot, a young girl writes to a TV judge, a woman attempts a daring escape from a marriage and the City of Edinburgh finally addresses her own. 

A second series of interconnected tales from a time like no other…

For The Coronalogues

“…a warm heated portrait of ordinary humanity…” The Scotsman.

“McAllister depicts contemporary urban life with flair and a witty sense of humour steeped in realism” The UpComing

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The coronalogus, the second wave,chapter two, smoke and Otters. Okay, there's the people and then there's thesleeper right who am not talking to you, the one sitting there sleepilyjust accepting this, or the thinkers, the reality penetrators, the truth seekers, the ones who see through all of this? I mean, something's up, isn't it? Nobody can deny that. No, no saying rational person caneven take a cursory glance at what's happening on this planet right now andcome to the logical conclusion that this, any of this, yes, isperfectly normal. Fine, fine, nothing to see here. No one couldpossibly think that. I mean, none of it makes any sense for akickoff. There's so many red flags, global pandemic, self isolation. Lookdown face, masks, man. It came from China. China, forcrying out loud. Whenever I hear the word China, I'm already thinking,okay, something's up. Not that'm racist. I've nothing against the Chinese people.I'm talking politically here. You understand that. Could be no denying that. Politically they're, well, you know, suspect. Politically, I mean historically, the whole the pal thing for the staff those monks setting themselves onfire, and then there's wrong com down and there was, I was onthe news recently. That's all kick it off. All the things they're doingover there to those poor Hong Kongers there with a whole Hong Kong scenario.And they tried to tap all of our phone networks in the old to Votaphone gift gaff a lot. That's the Chinese government right they are deeply,deeply suspect, not that they're the only ones involved right off, I meanyou can't just leave it all China's door. Bill Gates, Bill Bloody Gates.Most of the stuff I'm mean from various reliable sources are saying. It'slooking pretty bloody likely. They he's involved to and these sources, these arethe guys in the know, serious, serious guys who know exactly what they'retalking about, guys used to be on the other side of the fence,if you know what I mean. I'm talking defectors here, guys. Youdo don't want to mess with those guys. They're all saying Bill Gates, he'sbeen down to get us all chipped up for years, apparently, andnow we can finally do it with its vaccine. Nano technology, that's whatthey call it. Nano Technology. Tiny tiny robots that are made by othertiny robots to be so small that they can hide inside of vaccine. That'swhat the agenda is. He of people. It's nothing about a virus. It'sabout making sure everyone has a tiny robot inside them. And I knowwhat some people think. We're to talk...

...with this stuff. I see theireyes rolling, the sideways glances. He's another one of those conspiracy theoris withour mad ideas about everything. That reaction really annoys me. It's insulting,gets my gult. It's such a lazy response, like do your research ifyou're gonna make a judgment. There is so much miss information out there aboutconspiracy theorists. For instance, just because I believe there's something up with thisvirus or about nine eleven does not mean that I believe the earth is flat. I mean, I'm not saying I don't believe the earth is flat.The jury is still out on that one. There's a lot of people pretty convincedof it. A lot of compelling evidence to consider. There's a guywho runs a shop and inverness entirely dedicated to the flat earth stuff, mapsand stickers, pamphlets, Snow Globes, I mean not globed, obviously,circles. Anyway. There's some pretty compelling stuff right there. Another guy's goinground most of the highlands and spray paint it to the earth is flat onroad signs and bridges. Anyone goes further off than perfect, they are definitelyseeing that. Can't miss it. I mean that's commitment. He's got thismessages out there without using the conventional media and I can only applaud him forthat. The one thing that's holding me back from the whole flat earth argumentis that I went to Australia. It is my uncle and Sydney when Iwas like fourteen and I remember for my grant and it was night time wherewe were in daytime where she was, and my grandmn't a line about somethingthat. But that's not to say that I can completely rule out. Imean, those guys have a whole shop. You can't ignore that. Granted,it is an inverness, but still you have to keep an open mind. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even describe myself as a conspiracy theorist andtraditional terms. I'm more of a human life, detector, of Reality Revealer, an assumption hacker. It's not that I'm saying I've all the answers.I would never be so bold. I can just smell the bullshit when Isee it and I'm not afraid to call it out. I have an analyticalmind. It's like my grant always said, he's been here before that one,because I'd always question things, even when I was young. I neverfail for any of that. Scientist yet, like I'd go over that way beforeI was fourteen. I never go into religion. I mean Christianity isthe biggest sham going. Christians are meant to be like Jesus, right,Jesus, by the way, who a lot of serious guys believe was analien. I'm not saying that it's true. I'm just saying look at the evidencebefore you judge. Anyway, we don't have enough time for that.Let's just assume that Jesus was who he said he was and Christianity is allabout becoming more like Jesus, right. I mean that's like the whole point, isn't it? Well, the ones I've met, they like the furthestthing away from Jesus. You could possibly get like Mary. Not Marry JudasJudas. Actually, no, they're not like judice either. That's a badexample. I'm actually a big fan of this because he was a question ortwo. Yeah, the same analytical mind as me. Also, quite possiblyan idiot. Like I said, no, is not another time to delve intothat. My point is, what's all the things you associate with Jesus? Kindness, healing, always handing it wine to the people with skin problems. And that's my point. Jesus was non judgmental right. So why isit that I got asked to leave a twelve week Alpha group at the localBaptist Church on week three for just asking questions? I mean, that's thewhole point of an Alpha group, I thought, but turns out they onlywant you to ask the questions they want you to ask, and not butthe Bible being such a heavily edited propaganda...

...to for the control in then asses. My grand said, I get it from my GRANDPA. He was,like me, wilful grand calls it. One of my strongest memories of mygrandpa before he died, I was round his house and the chase was onand he was showing out all the answers and he kept on getting them wrong, and the more he did, the more convinced he was that Bradley Walshhad conspired against him to make him look stupid. No wants did he evenentertain the possibility that the intellectual knowledge of the team of experts on the chasemaybe superior to his own. Even after the program finished, he didn't letit go. He wrote several letters about it, all of the producers andthe chasers, before the police made him stop. After that he never watchthe chase again. He switched over the pointless, and that's why you alwaysbe one of my heroes. He never back down, not even when peopletold him he was being racist. That just made them angrier. Event ofit. Hence the heart attack. I was quite sad when Grandpa died.He looked after me a lot when I was young. Dad wasn't around.Ye had left my mom an. He had a job without my five indeep, deep cover, and that's why it wasn't around much, which isobviously rubbish. He would have to be at least am my sex to beaway for this long. Am I five is mostly just analyst and technrds.He's obviously not allowed to contact me through normal channels. I have to becareful you, but licious say. For the last few years, he mayor me not a find other ways of contact me, coded ways. He'sa serious guy's leaving it that. You see what I'm saying? Serious seriously, I mean he's never been it every day. If he did, Ican tell him on that chap. I mean it's usually this big daddy.So I mean, I'll leave you to put it together. The other falsehoodabout conspiracy, theorists, not that I am one, is that we allget on material from the Internet. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Okay, someone that might, but those aren't the reallyserious guys. You might get the occasional internet theorist wh will hit on theodd thing, I'll worth. But the actual serious guys, the ones whotake this stuff really seriously, they aren't. They're collecting physical evidence in their ownbackyard, in their own neighborhoods, and let me tell you, you'llbe surprised how quickly you will find things that are truly suspect if you keepyour eyes open, if you acquire the requisite skills. Okay, I meanI do have an advantage. I live in Edinburgh a city that loves itssecrets. It's built on secrets. The only thing Edinburgh loves more than asecret is telling it, selling it if she can. Edinburgh's always been likethat. I've got a quote here. Where is it? Edinburgh? Ahidden underground of streets and tunnels heading tours, a maze of Wei winds curling throughcobble together histories of clandestine and Ivan's, a spiral staircase of shaky activity,of plots and schemes and illicit trists. That's a call from a ghost toflyer. This city is the capital of conspiracy and that, people,is its best defense. No one looks for a secret among secrets, butthey are here and they are many. I am loving testimony. I havenever been so sure as recent events have only confirmed my belief that this isthe case. I events I have witnessed personally with my own eyes. Context. Anyone who's been to Edinburgh knows about...

Arthur's seat. Big dramatic hell sitsbehind the parliament building. Can't miss it. It's in all the postcards, butI bet you didn't know it's actually owned by the Queen Hollywood power.Sits at the bottom the queen's official Scottish residence. She owns the whole cupboodle. Did you know that? Like she owns it, which is suspect fora kickoff right. Why would anyone own a hell? Not just a hell, it's an extinct volcano with a seriously suspect beast. There's all sorts oftheories attached to Arthur seat, like some people think that it's something to dowith King Arthur and Merlin, but that insane. The serious guys, andI'm talking about guys who have done the research, are far more interested inthe unique mineral properties of the Rock, well the fact that it's the perfectsize and shape for our landing spacecraft. Anyway, what's undeniable is that it'ssuspect right, like an extinct volcano in the middle of a city that's ownedby the Queen. Something's going on. That takes all of the boxes,doesn't it? We don't even have time to begin to unpack that. Butthat's not even what I want to talk about really. What we want tofocus on initially is the cottage. As I've said, the Land Arthur seatis on is known as Hollywood park and the very eastily enter that park andI mean literally the edge. There is a college, a seemingly empty cottage. It sits alone, apparently vacant like in all the time I've been livinghere, I've never seen anyone go in and out of it. The Gateis kept pad locked, but the garden is beautifully kept. Why would anyonekeep our garden when there's no one living there? Right? I have watchedthat cottage for years and now it's right by where I live. It's beena bit of a project to mine, actually. I've kept detailed notes.I can see it from my bedroom window and I know there's people going inand out, but you never ever see them. The Gate always remains padlocked. Yet there have been subtle, almost unnoticeable interruptions, the position of thecurtains changing, a bird ship wiped off the window, a cigarette but inthe driveway. People have been in that house, yet it is remained aloofa considerable amount of effort has been put into make it habitable and yet noone appears to be inhabiting it. I have theories I'm working on. Ofcourse, I richly had twenty six possibilities, because you have to keep an openmind, but over time I've managed to whittle lease down enough and I'llgive you the two most plausible. Okay, the first is fairly straightforward and quiteeasy to believe, and that is it is being used as an outpostfor the secret service. They stay there when the Queensland residence and there isan underground access tunnel which connects it to the palace. There's tunnels all overit, with a hardly anyone knows about, particularly around Arthur's seat, so thatthis doesn't require a any great leap of the imagination. The second theoryis that it's a kept cottage to a home of relation to the Queen thatshe doesn't want the public to know about. Whoever this is has been sich jackedor brainwash, as you probably know with my they're also under guard,of course, and the tunnel still exists to allow staff in and out.There is substantial event is to suggest that the relation maybe either a secret childof the Queen's that she had before marrying Philip, but it's actually looking farmore likely the person being hidden is something to do with Prince Andrew, andI'll say no more while the investigations are still ongoing. My point is Icollected this information firsthand. I did not just read something on the Internet andgo off on one. This is happening in front of my own eyes andI know it for a fact that there is suspect. I have three,a four notepads of detailed evidence going back for years to support it. Butyesterday, well, it was only yesterday...

...when I was out collecting raw datathat I stumbled on something, something else, something deeper, something bigger than justthe cottage, proof that the powers that be are actively engaged at thisvery moment in this sub told Mine, control and social manipulation of the generalpublic. I'll tell you exactly how it happened. I'm walking through the park. I've already passed the cottage once and I'm now recording my observations as avoice memor my phone to transcribe it to the note books later. I haveto be careful not to hover and the college too openly, you see,in case I'm picked up on the hidden cameras and put on a security list. Anyway, I'm looking around the field to do my second past when Isee two dog walkers engaged in conversation ahead. One is wearing a face mask,the other is not. That they are, I estimate, about therequisite two meters apart. As I approach I catch the conversation midflow. Theone with the face mask is doing the talking and thankfully my phone was stillrecording, so I caught the whole snippet of conversation on tape. Right I'llread you the transcript. The woman with the face mask says, I meanit's unbelievable. Who could have imagined such a thing just turning up my suddenlyappearing and no where. Have you seen it? Then the woman without theface mask says no, I've no seen it, but Douglas has. He'sgone up three or four day me do see it every time. He sayswhat must be getting around because there's more than more people turning up every dayto see for themselves. Says it's like prentice up there. And then themass one says that can't be good. Is that good? I mean with, you know, the current situation? And then the unmasked one starts tosay, ok, I suppose it's getting people out of there. But thenI had to move out of recording range because one of the dogs as arebarking at me like it knew I was listening and I a scurry off beforeI look suspicious. Now that was a weird snip at of conversation, butI might not have thought much more about it had I not passed another coupleof people walking through the park less than three minutes later. A man anda woman in their twenties, students, had guess, walking towards me.The man had a beard he was too proud of and the woman was wearingan Edinburgh University hoodie. I wasn't recording this time, but I clearly heardthe woman say something along the lines of I've never seen one before. Iwon't believe it till I actually see it. How did you even find out?And then they were past me in a way before I ever heard hisanswer. But the striking overlap with the last conversation stopped me in my tracks. My spider senses were tingling. Something was happening. I stopped, Ibreathed in I looked right around the park and I noticed the volume of peopleall heading towards the track that goes up and right away round Arthur's seat.I mean is usually pretty busy with runners and cyclist dog walkers, but thiswas more than that. There there was a definite stream of people, allheading with what looked like intent in a clockwise direction around the hill. Andsome of these people you could tell hadn't seen a hill for a while.I mean this part most days. These were your average park folk. Theywere wearing the wrong clothes, that they were they were walking wrong, toofast, too eager. They didn't fit. These people were drawn here by something. They were here for a purpose. Something was up, so of courseI'm going to follow, but not by the same path. I'm nota total idiot. I don't know what...

...these people are walking into. Oneof the things I've been keeping an eye on recently has been the appearance ofthese strange monoliths in remote areas around the world. There's a lot of informationout there about these things. Some guy suggesting that they're sending her a magneticpulse with coded messages. Then, of course, there's the whole five gtheory, alien, Chinese, Russian technology. And then there was a pathetic attempta cover story releasing it was a modern art projects made back some hippies. But if anything, just proves that there's something more going on right likeif they're gonna go down much trouble to create a cover story, then somethingis definitely suspect. It's straight out of their playbook, like one of theserious guys I'm in touch with says that's exactly what he would do, andthis guy knows man. I head off road, up and over the backend of the hill through the fire breaks in the Gorse. The trailer isfar more treacherous, but I've made myself familiar with these paths in case I'mever in need of navigating this way in the dark, like if I'm nevergetting chased or something. From an information retrieval point of view, it's muchsafer. I can hear the flock as she pull down there on the roadto my left. I can't glimpses of them through the trees, wheezing theirway up the hill as it gets unexpectedly steeper. After approximately one point fourfour kilometers, according to Google maps, I get to the point where itflattens out and I can see across the field where everyone is headed to abroken crowd congregating around the perimeter of the top lock. No one ever stopsat the top lock. Admittedly, I had been out there in a while, but any time I have there's been no reason to stop for long.Yet pass it by and say Oh, very nice, you don't stop.I mean, if Swansea thing, you go to the bottom lock. Shit, that a swan's down there. Convenient car park right next to it,but all the way to the top lock for a swan. Now I'm nothaving it. There's just not that many people that into Swan's. Don't getme wrong, top lock it's it's still a very picturesque and everything, butit's usually blowing a gale down the hill and your are good way in eachdirection before you're back in the main park. People just don't tend to stop therefor very long, and certainly never in the numbers I was currently witnessing. I mean this was a crowd, an actual crowd, in the middleof a and emic. I mean, if this has been on princes street, it would have been front page of the Evening News. Okay, andattempt was being made at social distance. In it, people seem to genuinelybe standing in pockets of twos and threes and fours. Some even side theirface mats on, even though they were outside and that wasn't exactly strictly necessary. They let me tell you, the too meter rule was being very liberallyinterpreted. As I got closer, I also noticed that all of them werefaced in one direction, regardless of where they stood around the edge. Allof them were transfixed, staring slack John Directly into the middle of the water. I mean, I'm getting excited now. Well, my mind is racing likelike this is it. I always Cann knew this was gonna happen,you know, like I don't know how to describe it, but I've alwayshad this like a knowledge, you know, that I was going to be apart of something, that I was going to bear witness to a significantevent. I mean, this is why I've been paying those monthly subscription tothose guys online for the training, for the necessary skills, so that Icould be prepared for something like this when it happened. And it's happening,I can feel it. I'm ready. I keep to my plan and insteadof walking directly into the crowd like every other clueless moron, I maintain asafe distance and keep to the right hand side of the road. The groundrises up and it's a steep incline down to where the people are all gathered. It should give me the perfect spot to see what's going on right overtheir heads, without getting too close. Solid thinking. As I become adjacentto the lock, I still cannot achieve...

...a clear line of site. Sometrees below or block in the bit of leg where everyone gaze seems to befixed. So I try to climb a little higher to get the angle onit, and it's at this point that I slip. Well, actually,I didn't just slip. What happened in reality is that my highly researched trailshoe fail to live up to the advertise standards. That terrain was well withinthe ledgs. Ream it and they completely gave out on me. They arenot going to like my Amazon review coming their way, let me tell you. I lose my foot and entirely and plumet alsover tied down the incline.I'd built up a fair amount of a loss every the time I smack intothe back of a group of four teenagers. They start screaming and in turn careerforward in a flurious scars and hats directly into the back of another groupof three, who do the same and indominal fashion. They all tumble forward, sending a woman standing on the very edge of the shoreline with an expensivelooking camera on a tripod directly into the lock. She doesn't completely fall in, just sort of stumbles a couple of feet up to just pass their knees. But not only does she manage to stay up right but, with remarkablereflexes, grabs the Tripod just before the camera it's the water. It's afeat that earns her a spontaneous ripple of applause and I immediately positively identify heras am I five, maybe six, but probably five. Those are theirreflexes. As someone with professional training, without even meaning to, I've justout in an agent. I'm still lying on the ground. One of theteenager stands over me and says are you all right? Did you fall?No, I stupidly trusted a corporation to live up to his claims about aflagship product. Again on the word. Again, I try to jump frommy stomach into a crouching position, but I'm so caked in mud for mysurprise clip jump. Then another cataclysmic equipment feel. The grip gives up onmy shoes. I slipped backwards and I would have thumped my chin off thepavement again had my training not kicked in and I managed to turn what couldhave been a messy event resulting in serious facial injury into a kind of spontaneouspress up. I can tell the teenager is impressed by the look on hisface, and then simply move from prone position to a crouch test standing.With these the teenager is still looking at me mesmerized, as I can usuallywipe the mud off my glasses, then I have a flash of inspiration,like one of those times when you realize what you should have said something muchlater, they said. This time it's happening when the window of opportunity stillopen. So I quip. Sorry to drop in, cool as you like. That woman fell in the water, he says, and I said somethingaccusatory about his tone. I'm sure she's just fine, but don't worry,man, I'm going to go talk to her right now. Damn Right,I'm going to go talk to her. She may have given herself away,but she doesn't know that I know that. This is my first real life opportunityfor interception. I'm not going to squander it. It's difficult to putthe glasses back on affirmatively, but I do so fairly well and march confidentlytowards the agent who is resetting her tripod on the shoreline. Some people wouldhave been put off by the squelching of mud every time I move, butI just pretended to not hear it. The woman, I would say,is in her S, but she doesn't seem old. She reminds me abit of Helen Mirren, not so much that she looked like her, butjust that she acted like she didn't know how old she was. Are youokay, I ask? Of course she's okay. Sorry, but that equipmentfailure fell a bit. No harm done. Taking a risk being so close tothe water. I've got waterproofs on...

...the cameras. Fine, I think, yeah, it's fine. Are you okay? I don't even dignify thatwith an answer. Instead I say that looks like an expensive piece of Kit, and all of a sudden her expression changes. One eyebrow archers and sheretreats a defensive half step back. It's part of the training to notice thesethings, micro expressions is the technical term. If you learn enough of them,you essentially become a human line detector. And I'm already three quarters of theway through the online pamphlet I'm like, seventy five percent of the way.They're hobby. A mind. She says, of course it is.I reply and I wink. She retreats another half step. Maybe she realizesI'm on to her. Not so hard. Remember the training. Softly, softly, catching monkey. Also, this is such a rare opportunity, andright on our doorstep to do you live around here yourself? She asks,and if I wasn't sure of our agent status, I was now fishing arequest for confidential information wrapped up in there and noxious question made seemingly out ofpolite interest. Do I live around here? Tell you what, when I justgive you the password to my email on the padlock to my bike.While I'm at it, I could tell you my mother's maiden name, ifyou'd like, except I'm not that stupid to use my mother's maiden name asa security question on any of my accounts. Also, I don't know it.I'm not even sure she had one. And then I thought, hang on, what rare opportunity, so I said it. What's a real opportunityto see him? Of course, she says, and she points towards thelake. I follow the direction of her finger and I see it five orsix meters from shore, clear as day, lying on its back, looking atthe crowds, cam as you like a fucking otter. It's a littlemiracle, isn't it? She said, a little bit of wondering all thisbleakness. I wouldn't go that far, I said, and she frowns.I mean, I get it. That's not something you see every day,right. I mean, if you see a Fox, who cares? That'sno biggie. Nobody's going to be impressed by that. There was a timewhen you told people that you saw a Fox, that was an anecdote.People used to be interested in that. Not Now, not now. Peoplehave Netflix. These days, if you tell someone you've seen a Fox,they tend just to be annoyed more than anything. They start shouting about thestate of their bends, if they're anything like my neighbors. But but ifyou see an altar, entirely different story. Everyone has time for an hotter anecdote. That's an event. You're definitely going to talk about that. It'snot piece of information you're keeping to yourself. As my point, but this isn'tjust an hour. Think about it. I mean, come on, areyou not seeing this. Yet don't tell me you are not seeing this. How can you possibly not see this? An Otter, an actual otter,just turns up out of the blue, just like that, out of nowhere, in a place that, to my knowledge, has no previous historyof ever having Otters, halfway up a hill in a small lock with noapparent replenishable source of food, highly visible to all manner of passers by,very close to the center of a major city. And not just that,but this all happens bang in the middle of a lockdown overnight. I mean, come on, wake up, are you kidding me? I mean,something's up. Admit that. You cannot deny that. I can't even talkto you if you're going to sit there and tell me with a straight facethat there's not something incredibly fishy going on. There no bun intended with all iseaten fish. I mean, it doesn't matter. The point is.The point is, I think we can...

...all agree that anyone with two braincells to rub together realize, is that there is no way in hell thatottter got there by itself. So what was going on? Remember the training. Break it down. What do we do? First, collect the data. What we even looking at here. I mean, is that thing evenreal? The first possibility I considered a writer out of the bag, andI think it's the one that most people would immediately jump to, is thatit's a robot, right. I mean that's the logical place to go to. I think it's pretty much common knowledge that the CIA try to recruit JimHenson in the e's, the powers it be or not, beyond puppetry,let me assure you, there have been recorded instances of puppets being used inmany covert operations, mostly children's propaganda, but still, when used properly,they can be very effective tools. Looking at it, though, I meanif it is a puppet, it's the best one I've ever seen, andI'd seen Dr Doolittle, the new one with Downey Jr, not the oldone. I'm not saying it's a hundred percent, definitely not a very sophisticatepiece of animatronic hardware, but to me, and I'm not by any means anexpert in this field or block, but it does look to me likeit is actually an otter. Okay, so data collected. Let's just assumefor now that it is an otter. We can reevaluate should further inspection revealsomething different, but for now let's just go with it. So it isan utter second step analysis. What's the motive? What is the why?The why is the key to the what? WHAM. Then it hits me.I see it, it smashes right into my head. Sometimes I getthese moments of intense insight when I'm blinded by the truth, when I canvisualize all the parts lighting up and I can actually see all the bits ofinformation fitting together in front of me. It's like little jigsaw pieces and theyall come together to form the real picture of what's going on. I'm talkingabout the actual narrative hiding behind the fake news, and it all fits togetherso neatly that you just know it. You've hit on the absolute truth ofthem are. This has always happened to me, even before I started watchingSherlock. It happens to me all of the time, like whenever I watchmost thriller movies. I would say eight hundred of ten times, I alwaysguess the end before they tell you. And it happened right there lightning strike, whom I see the only and now completely obvious explanation that Otter's trained.I hear you scoffing. Why would someone train an otter and put it ina lock in the middle of a lock down? That's ridiculous. You're havinga laugh. You're an idiot. Oh well, I first of all,don't think calling me an idiot is going to intimidate my intellect. People havebeen calling me an idiot all my life and I'm listen to a single oneof them. Not a kids in school, not the guys in the game storewhere I used to work and definitely not the spine doctor in hospital afterI explained too I fell off that Telegraph Pole. Second of all, Iam not an idiot. I know you're threatened by the fact that I've managedto DPROGRAM myself from society's institutionalized mold of thinking. I know that scares you, but that's no need to lash out. That's what they want you to do. I am not the enemy here. If you shape all could stop yourpleading for just one second, I will explain to you exactly why someonewould train an otter and put it in a lock in the middle of alockdown. I'll break it down for you like you're four or five years old, so even you can try and wrap your tiny little and prisoned minds aroundwhat's actually going on here. First of all, there is a well establishedpresident of animals being trained to take part...

...in its intelligence reconnaissance. Cats,dogs, dolphins, chameleons, monkeys, sea lines, sharks, storks,vultures, falcons, pigeons and, of course, bunny rabbits have been officiallycharged with international spon Hash. In fact, if you Google Russian Balooga whale,you will see a recent video of evidence of an animal that escaped aRussian training facility and start interacting with some fishermen. OTTERS, as everybody knows, are way more intelligent than whales and I think even you'll have to agree, are certainly not out with the realms of possibility of being used by thecurrent Tory government. Okay, so where did they atter come from? Mybrain rapidly thix through my internal reference book and stops exactly on what I'm lookingfor. I just think they were called seeing an advert for Edinburgh Zoo onthe side of a bus. There was a large picture of some odds withthe phrase utterly awesome written in Purple Bubble. Righting, this is the same zoowithin five miles of this very location, the same zoo that has been closeto the public most of the year, thus allowing the perfect opportunity for intensivetraining to comments with no one around to ask any awkward questions. Anyzookeepers who have to be in the vicinity of the enclosure would simply be forcedto say in an NDA or risk losing their job. In in its currenteconomic climate, who's going to op for that? Okay, with you sofar here, you say, but you've still not told us why. It'sso obvious. I can't believe you're actually asking me. Okay, so tryto keep up whole country and lockdown. No one is allowed out, noone is going into town where they can be monitored by the usual CCTV cameras. How do you keep tabs in a population when you're asking them to stayindoors? How do ye keep up surveillance on how the public are reacting tothe lockdown? How do you monitor compliance with the new regulations? How doyou keep them from seeking out the truth? Come on, people, it's soobvious. It's a simple honey trap. Oh My God, create a distraction, you set something up, something seemingly innocuous, something that looks likeit happened purely by chance but is remarkable enough to get people's attention. Saysomething like an otter suddenly appearing in a lock in a centralized, accessible areanear a dense population. Then what do they do? You get your agentsto orchestrate a whispering campaign to entice people along to see it, get theword out, and as that takes off, you simply mix surveillance operatives into thecrowd with cameras to photograph, Film and Monitor Behavior. If I checkthat woman's camera, there would not be one full of an hour. She'snot there for the are she's there for you or, in this case,me. So you get it right. I mean, you see now,it's disgusting. It's a blazant assault on democracy. These bastards are discreetly collectingdetailed day on how people are likely to react to the rules without their consentor prior knowledge, how they reacting to social distance, in face masks,etc. Etc. And why? Because they use these data samples to calculatehow the larger population is likely to behave. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a moral but it's brilliant. They probably too this per animal arounddifferent areas. Then they run the surveillance for a couple of months tillsuddenly, overnight, quickly as it appeared, the poor thing is recaptured and isgone, never to be seen again. But coincidentally, overnight there's a duckbonding Falka. There's got a brand new show. And who will bethe first on the scene, I wonder. Maybe a certain little woman with acamera that's way too expensive for an old woman to have, standing onthe shoreline snapping innocently away. I mean, you have to admit it shows youwhy these people are called the intelligence services. It would be impressive ornot so abhorrently a moral I mean,...

...think about it, the animal rightlaws these people are deliberately contravening alone. They probably wore board that poor butat some pointing in it to behave the way they wanted it to. Youknow, water behaves like that normally, not unless dad, it is atrain daughter. So you see it now, right, I mean there is noalternative explanation. Well, that's taken me like ten minutes explain it.But duced to the trading, I absorbed all that in a second, ina flash, like instant download, but the agent was also quick. Shemust have been trained in micro expressions to because she says something I don't quitecatch and I say what? Sorry, and she says you didn't bump yourhead or anything, and I say no, why would you say that? Andthen she said you seem to phase out there for a second. Doyou think you make faint? Maybe I should call an ambulance. Shit,she's made me. I am now an immediate peril. An ambulance. Yeah, I'm sure it will be an ambulance, and I'm sure there definitely won't bea man in the back dress as a paramedic who will definitely not administeran an esthetic which I definitely won't wake up from an a holding cell inand off the map dark think military research for silly. All of that willmost definitely not happen. I have to get away from here, and quickly, before she signals from back up. I'm fine. I say, thankyou, I'd better go. I'm glad your camera didn't get wet. Enjoythe ore and I hastily try to get rounder, but in doing so Iaccidentally knock over the Tripod. But again the training kicks in before I havea chance to stop it. I can't help it. It's instinct now.I grab the camera, securing it before it barely has a chance to move. I notice her noticing this. If she hadn't made me before, shecertainly has now. We can all recognize our own in the shadows. Ido my best to move my way swiftly and discreetly through the crowd. Thisis not easy because of the sheer volume of additional mud I'm carrying, someof which is now drying and falling off in clumps, leaving a visible trailers. I take the road down the hill back towards the house. I decidedto take the most direct route home due to the fact that my covers nowblown anyway and I need to get off the Queensland as quickly as possible.Different laws apply on the land owned by the Queen and its possible I couldbe rendition without any cause if it's deemed ipose a threat. I need toget home before they can come out and force to look for me and Ihave to lie low for a least a couple of days. The road curvesdown to the bottom lock, but a set of steps cut down between thecar park to the left and the cottage to the right. They get tothe park is just a few steps further. This is the quickest route to safety. I'm down the steps along the path and I turn right to walkpast the cottage and they're in the unpadlocked driveway. Is a van. Fouryears of dedicated, rigorous surveillance and not so much as a postman has droppedby, and today is the day that a vehicle suddenly appears in the drivewayliterally moments after a confrontation with an agent. My heart was pounding by the vanisheddude agents dressed in overalls to make it look like they're workmen. Soobvious. Man, I'm guessing their secret service and they obviously waiting on meout of fall. Met the bigger one of the masks as I attempt tohurry past, the other one sniggers. Will makes you say that, Isay sarcastically, knowing full well that the agent from the top lock is radioedahead. Well, you just went for a little roo from the month,did you then? Said this nigger. I think he was being sarcastic.John, the big one, says, yes, I was, I say, and then there's a pause and I know I should just run away thatengaging with these guys. It's just madness that every second I'm there I'm onlyendangering myself, my work and my training even further. But, like Isay, that's not in my nature.

I can't help pushing it. Ihave to know the truth. So I forced myself and I ask them.So are you doing here then? No one lives in this out today.My voice trembles a bit, but but I get away with it now.No one lived here and nears mate, the big one, says all.Chief Gardener's college apparently turn it into an air being beyond. They God onlyknows why they're doing it now. We're just doing the work on it toget up to scratch. Man Having so much trouble. They are so onto me. They've been able to come up with a cover story this quickly. They've known about me before today, before they all incident probably had meunder surveillance for weeks. I'm in over my head. I need to makecontact with my guys, a s APP especially, you know who. He'llprobably be worried I might have to move flat. I'm a hundred percent gettinga new SIM I didn't need to hear anymore. I just left, disappearedon the side of the van like Batman, and I got the hell out ofthere as fast as my muddy legs would carry me. Smoke and OTTERSwas performed by Gareth match. It was written by Kre mcallister. The musicwas composed by Dave B Mac. Special thanks go to Seana McDonald, ChristaMcDonald Scott Edinburgh, you theater, Katie and Karen Cordon, and all itgilded balloon, the coronalogs. The second wave is a watch this space productionin partnership with Gilded Balloon. This has been a difficult time for the arts. None of the contributors have received any payment. If you have enjoyed thisepisode and would like to donate, then details can be found in the audiodescription. Alternatively, you can donate by visiting watch this space productionscom or gildedballoon dot call dot UK. All do nations will be split equally amongst thecontributors.

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